Butter Battle Bachelorhood

I bought a butter dish. it’s only been about a week, but we’re having trouble.
I’m a soft butter kind of man. I don’t get people that leave the butter in the fridge all the time. I need butter to be ready for deployment at a moment’s notice. I don’t have time to let the butter soften for each use, and my concerns about the butter going rancid are nonexistent.

When I’m done with the butter, I usually leave the butter knife resting on the edge of the dish. I’ve done this for years. I have always just used a small plate or saucer as a butter dish, and I don’t feel the need to wash a knife every time I use butter. Now I own a butter dish. It says “Butter” on the side.

Inside: three newborn hamsters, still
hairless and all covered in butter.

This is all fine so far, and since I’m a lonely man who lives alone, my preferences always win. The problem is the lid. If I leave the knife resting on the dish and replace the cover, it gets butter all over the side and bottom of the lid, and that butter migrates all over the damn place and then there’s butter all over the top of the refrigerator(counter space is limited in my apartment). This could eventually lead to a completely buttered fridge top. Then there are the fears of a 22-year-old Isaac resurfacing one night when I’ve had too much to drink, seeing the dish empty, and buttering a piece of bread by rubbing it all over the top of the fridge. I don’t want that. No one wants that.

Maybe the fact that I don’t want to wash the butter knife after each use means I’m not ready to have a butter dish.

Sunday Cipher #30 – Eggmageddon II: Eastermath of the Eggpocalypse

The Ladies’ Luncheon and Tea went off without a hitch! Especially popular were your tuna salad and ham salad finger sandwiches! Esther carried on for quite some time about the deviled-ham finger sandwiches. Perhaps next year you should add some variety, like cucumber finger sandwiches, or ribs. The only thing left is to respond to Opal’s thank you note with one of your own. Oh, no! It’s in code! Can you decipher it before your note is boorishly late!?

Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today’s hint: C equals G.

“T/ LTFV/ IQA/ RAWI/ ODM/ IB/ TFVXKA/ D/ RUDVVAY/ TFLAKITBF/ TW/ IB/ HXGH/ TFLAKIAV/ XYTFA/ VTYAKIUM/ TFIB/ IQA/ RUDVVAY./ TI’W/ D/ SXAWITBFDRUA/ IQTFC.”/
– GDYIQD/ WIAODYI

The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.

Last week’s answer:
“They call me ‘The Wizard of Menlo Park’, but I prefer ‘Grafalcon the Dark Elf Paladin’.” – Thomas Edison

The Game Show Will Not Be Televised

I auditioned for a revival of The Dating Game. I think I lost right after question 5.

Sunday Cipher #29 – The Toreador’s Lament

Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today’s hint: U equals G.

“QVCJ/ WBTT/ IC/ ‘QVC/ OREBKX/ FH/ ICATF/ ZBKP’,/ DSQ/ R/ ZKCHCK/ ‘UKBHBTWFA/ QVC/ XBKP/ CTH/ ZBTBXRA’.”/
– QVFIBG/ CXRGFA

The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.

Last week’s answer:
“It’s no wonder that slavery was so popular for so long. Black goes with everything.” – John Galliano

If You Lived Here, You’d be Sorry by Now

So, this happened recently.

Part I, in which Dylan picks up trash
Several weeks ago, my neighbor Dylan noticed some out-of-the-ordinary garbage in one of the dumpsters in the alley behind our building. It was a pile of photographs, attached to carefully hand-crafted mats. Most of the pictures included this girl:

This dude was also prominently featured:

My apartment building has beds at the edge of the parking lot, which used to contain rocks and lights. They currently only have dirt in them, as some of the tenants use them for gardening during the summer. Dylan has been known to occasionally put objects in these beds. At one point he planted mannequin arms and hands coming out of the dirt. This time, he decided to scatter these pictures in the dirt. Dylan’s a cool guy.
I did not see or hear about any of this.

Part II, in which Lisa and Jess vandalize shit
Later that night(I believe) my neighbors Jess and Lisa came home. They were probably high on animal medicine; that’s how they roll.

Lisa and Jess on their way to church. In Hawaii.

Sunday Cipher #28

Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today’s hint: Y equals L.

“VB’T/ ZX/ JXZMAN/ BGQB/ TYQLAND/ JQT/ TX/ HXHKYQN/ UXN/ TX/ YXZE./ PYQCO/ EXAT/ JVBG/ ALANDBGVZE.”/
– IXGZ/ EQYYVQZX

The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.

Last week’s answer:
“I wasn’t faking anything. When we met I honestly thought she said her name was ‘Allen'” – Anne Heche

You Can Finally Leave Out the Caviar

I was opening a can of chicken recently and found this recipe on the back of the label for an “Anytime Chicken Salad Sandwich”.

Thank God someone thought of this.  I’ve been getting really sick of only having chicken salad sandwiches for my wedding anniversary and during visits from heads of state.

The Monkeys You Ordered

The Monkeys You Ordered is a website with nothing but cartoons from The New Yorker that have been re-captioned in a more literal fashion. If you haven’t been there yet, check it out. It’s pretty amazing.

Sunday Cipher #27

Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today’s hint: D equals I.

“D/ TCXQ’B/ YCGDQS/ CQOBHDQS./ THPQ/ TP/ UPB/ D/ HWQPXBKO/ BHWRSHB/ XHP/ XCDA/ HPI/ QCUP/ TCX/ ‘CKKPQ'”
– CQQP/ HPNHP

The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.

Last month’s answer:
“Some people talk shit about it, but smoking resin got me through my first two abortions.’ – Helen Mirren

Fun Fact #7

All the best rugby teams have at least one eunuch. They are allowed testosterone replacement therapy to make them just as aggressive as the other players, and the advantages are obvious.

Hitler was half way to being one of the best, if you know
what I mean. Here he demonstrates his technique for
snatching testicles from the jaws of defeat. Or for defeat.
Of the other team.